Uncovering the Monster

Last night after I recorded my audio file I was still not tired so I stayed up a while and surfed the net. As I was about to shut down the computer I found a response to my audio up on Utterz. It was from a man named Brett. Here is a part of what he said:

It sounds as if you are denying a part of yourself. The alcohol or situation might let this denied part of you out from time to time.

Maybe you should try and learn how to be yourself, without harming other people with your words or without harming yourself with food or drink or smoke.

As I was lying there I kept turning it over and over in my head..."It sounds like you are denying a part of yourself" ...well I knew that to be true so many times before. There are all kinds of parts of me that I find from time to time that have been buried. Then I started thinking, what is this sleeping monster? Then I decided the time was right to meet this monster and to face it head on once and for all. I asked the question again, who is this monster?

I was bracing myself for the worst, ugliest part of me to appear there and to my surprise instead I saw a sad little girl standing there. It was obviously me as a child. I was so thin, slumped and deflated. My eyes were so sad and empty and I was looking down. I started crying when this vision entered my mind. It wasn't an ugly monster that was driving this behavior, it was a needy and sad little girl.

So I cried a while at the discovery and then I asked the little girl what it was that she needed. What was missing for her. Without going into personal details I will tell you that the little girl needed to talk to someone in her life about feelings of abandonment. She needed to understand why she felt so unloved, unimportant and alone. She needed to see FROM HER EYES that she was never alone, never unimportant, and never unloved. She needed to understand why adults in her life had done the things they had, to understand that they were lonely, sad, and felt unimportant themselves and that it wasn't her fault.

She needed to release herself from this heaviness that was weighing her down, to cut the unhealthy ties she had to this situation, to forgive those involved and to realize her true light and her true essence. It was a very powerful process and in the end the girl was lit up, glowing and beaming and skipping around with such joy. It was truly beautiful.

At that point I needed to let the current me say what needed to be said to the person involved in this situation. I was shocked at the amount of anger and to be honest, true rage that poured out of me. In this moment I felt as if I was killing this person for all that had been done to that innocent and precious little girl that had made her lose herself. I can't tell you how long I sat in this rage but it felt like an eternity. It just kept coming and coming and moving out of my body. When it finished I was left with a sense of peace and contentment.

I was then moved to feelings of guilt for holding this against the person for all these years. I was sobbing and asking for forgiveness. I was able to forgive the other person and myself for the whole thing and I was left in the arms of someone I never thought I could truly want to hug that way ever again. It was amazing.

Now, is this it? Is this the answer? Am I cured? Ha, I don't think so. I think this is another huge step in my quest for freedom. I know I uncovered some huge emotional ties last night and I know there are more there. I spoke with this person on the phone this morning and I still felt that same level of annoyance that I have in the past. The wall is still there but it has been knocked down a bit. I was able to take out some bricks and soon enough it will fall. It is a process, much like peeling an onion. There are so many layers and I will just keep peeling them away.

The most amazing revalation for me was this idea of the "sleeping monster." Right away I associated the needy part of myself with something horrible, something ugly and something to hide away when in reality it was just this sad and needy little girl. Now I ask you, close your eyes and imagine an ugly monster is driving you. How do you react? Do you run away from it? Do you fight it and slay it? One of those would be our response I suspect.

Now, imagine that the needy part of you is a small child. An innocent, beautiful child who is alone and lost and looking for help. How do you react now? My guess is that you pick up that child, you rock her, cuddle her and love her back to happiness. You embrace her and give her what she needs. Can you see the difference? The power in it?

I don't know what today will bring but I can tell you that the hyperactivity of my mind that was so evident last night has gone. I am feeling like I have slowed down. I feel at peace. I have a bit of anger still bubbling around and I am exhausted but I feel a bit more stable today so I am going forward with a new day, looking forward to loving that little child and grateful for the opportunity to meet my deeper self once again.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. I know it went on for quite a while. I should write a big thick novel :o)